ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 04

'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across Liechtenstein," a special fund-raising event that raised more than $30 for Liechtenstein charities. Nearly 150 citizens joined hands in a line that stretched from one end of the country to the other, forming a human chain one-and-a-half football fields long. "This is a great achievement and an inspiring tribute to the great spirit of our people," Liechtenstein's Prince Hans Adam II said. "I can barely see the end of the line from where I stand." The $30 raised will go t

Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great." "You guys have been great," Campanelli told them at the conclusion of his 20-minute performance."Thanks a lot and good night." Audiences previously called great by Campanelli include the Friday 8:30 p.m. show and the Friday 11 p.m.

Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as Get A Grip and Pump, has collected three million signatures on a petition imploring the veteran rock quintet to return to drug addiction. "We, the united fans of Aerosmith," the petition read in part, "plead with you to resume the type of liberal use of heroin and cocaine that fueled kick-ass albums like 1976's Rocks and classic tunes like 'Back In The Saddle.' We would additionally like to see a marked increase in alcohol abuse, particularly from one-time 'Toxic Twin' Joe Perry, who, regrettably, has not had a monster riff since 1980."

Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?

WNBA Fever

The Women's National Basketball Association has been a big success, with fan interest and attendance high and attendance high throughout the league. Why are people flocking to the games?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Late Night

ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton's approval rating skyrocketed Monday with his acquisition of the keys to the magic hot rod belonging to popular, supernatural rock group ZZ Top.

ZZ Top guitarists Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill formally present President Clinton with the keys to the Eliminator hot rod.

According to a CBS News poll, Clinton's popularity has soared from 43 to 90 percent in the past three days, a jump many Washington insiders attribute to the "Eliminator" hot rod and its stylized "ZZ" keychain, presented to him by the hard-rocking trio.

"It would appear that Clinton's acquisition of the mysterious ZZ Top Eliminator—as well as his newfound association with ZZ Top's members themselves and the scantily clad women who accompany them at all times—has resulted in a tremendous image makeover for the president," said Washington Post White House correspondent Arthur Tierney.

Longtime public perception of Clinton as a weak, ineffectual virgin—widely attributed to his feathered, mid-'80s-style hair and powder-blue windbreaker—has been dispelled nearly overnight as a result of the new "sharp-dressed" appearance of the president and his family, as well as the slutty, assertive behavior of their new female companions and the guitar-driven Texas boogie constantly pumping from the otherworldly trio's customized 1940 Ford.

"I, personally, am crazy about a sharp-dressed man," First Lady Hillary Clinton told reporters Monday. "And I believe it is fair to say that most, possibly all, American women share this viewpoint."

The arrival of ZZ Top comes at just the right time for the Clinton Administration, with an August 11 bullying at the hands of a group of mean, overweight biker-types having left the President's approval rating at an all-time low.

Rumors of a ZZ Top intervention to repair Clinton's image had been flying since last Wednesday, fueled by numerous reported sightings of a ghostly Eliminator manifestation appearing and disappearing on streets throughout the Capitol Hill area.

Few Washington insiders were surprised, then, when the magic vehicle finally appeared at the White House Monday, with three provocatively dressed women emerging from the car and reentering several minutes later with Clinton in tow.

Clinton, outfitted in a brand-new clean shirt, new shoes, silk suit, black tie, gold watch, diamond ring, cuff links, stick pin, top coat, top hat, black shades and white gloves, was unusually candid speaking to reporters Tuesday.

"I would like each and every American to, quite simply, give me all their lovin'," Clinton said, demanding their hugs and kisses, as well. "And it is my greatest wish that in giving me all their loving, they do not let up until they are through."

The vaunted Eliminator.

According to White House Chief of Staff Erskine Bowles, at approximately 4 p.m. Monday, Hillary Clinton and daughter Chelsea were also picked up by the Eliminator and taken to a D.C.-area beauty salon, where, with the aid of the car's three sexy guardians, they were given a complete fashion overhaul, including a change of wardrobe, hairstyle and makeup.

Replacing Hillary and Chelsea's traditional, conservative mode of dress with tight-fitting, leopard-print spandex, neon costume jewelry, knee-high boots and double-wraparound studded belts, the three mysterious ZZ Top-associated women then drove the made-over pair to an exclusive Washington charity dinner.

Eliciting reactions ranging from shock to delight, the Clinton women paraded with newfound confidence among the elite guests, tossing their hair, strutting on tables and, according to several witnesses, forcibly shoving a plate of pie into the face of columnist George Will, one of the First Lady's most outspoken detractors.

"You've got to give Clinton and the First Family credit—they've really scored a major public-relations coup," said Walt Devine, director of the D.C.-based American Political Caucus. "Let's face it: The president has legs, and he knows how to use them."

Though ZZ Top members Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard offered no comment, disappearing into some otherworldly realm when approached by the press, they did demonstrate non-verbal support for Clinton by materializing in his vicinity, presenting him with a commemorative pink fur-lined guitar, and giving him a synchronized 'thumbs-up' sign before vanishing once again.

As of press time, it is unknown whether Clinton will offer any compensation to the members of ZZ Top for their preternatural aid. Reports are circulating, however, that Clinton will lobby Congress to revive funding for the band's long-delayed $6.1 billion customized "Afterburner" space-shuttle coupe. Approved by Congress in May 1985, the Afterburner project was shelved that July, when controversy erupted over the revelation that the Texas-bred guitar rockers had used synthesizers on their hit song "Velcro Fly."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More