Horoscope

12.18.06 | ISSUE 42•51

  • Aries You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March.
  • Taurus After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
  • Gemini As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
  • Cancer 2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
  • Leo July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt's Alzheimer's disease.
  • Virgo The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
  • Libra Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
  • Scorpio This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
  • Sagittarius Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
  • Capricorn Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
  • Aquarius All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
  • Pisces The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.
  • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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