While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.

  • Ghana: Though not expected to make it to the quarterfinals, they should win the Eukaryotic Protist trophy, given to the team with malaria that advances the farthest
  • England: Known for inventing new ways to underperform; look for England's players to lose their first World Cup match by forgetting what time it starts and everyone going skydiving instead
  • North Korea: DPRK players could be tough to defend, as they have nuclear devices strapped to their chests
  • Spain: If this talented team of handsome young playboys is able to keep from sleeping with beautiful women long enough to play full 90-minute matches, it should be considered a favorite
  • Portugal: Cristiano Ronaldo has a knack for always having his hair in just the right place at the right time.
  • United States: Full disclosure—the government mandates we include an entry for the United States in a list like this
  • France: Proof that basing an offense around being standoffish and unappealing can work if you really put your heart into it
  • South Africa: Team has the potential to go very far, as they know which parts of the field to avoid if you don't want to get stabbed to death