With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

  • 1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination
  • 2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they're still a really good team, and they said yes
  • 3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years
  • 4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn't even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?
  • 5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…
  • 6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of
  • 7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of
  • 8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.
  • 9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football
  • 10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone's top 25, and also, fuck them