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    2013 NBA Finals Coverage: The Miami Heat Stomp The Joy Out Of Basketball Forever

    Slideshow • Sports • NBA Basketball • ISSUE 49•25 • Jun 14, 2013
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    • Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship

      MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that, in theory, no team could win the NBA championship.
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    • Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles

      SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this year’s title would mean almost exactly as much to him as the previous four he’s won.
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    • Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals

      3 of 9
    • Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut

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    • NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

      Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome

      MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-co...
      5 of 9
    • LeBron James Announces Retirement

      ‘I’ve Accomplished Everything I Ever Dreamed Of,’ Says Former NBA Superstar

      MIAMI—After an enormously successful professional career spanning nearly a decade, Miami Heat small forward LeBron James brought his playing days to a close Thursday, officially announcing his retirement from the NBA. “As we all know, basketba...
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    • Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory

      KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump, former Ugandan president and mass murderer Idi Amin, and Joseph ...
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    • Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes

      MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking pathetic faces.
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    • Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

      MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday.
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