A Drama In Three ActsCommentary • ISSUE 36•19 • May 24, 2000 By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911) To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man. Dramatis Personae: OSVALD, a young man. OSVALD'S MOTHER, Osvald's mother. PASTOR MANDERS, family friend. GHOST, ghost. P. THURMAN ZEEBULL, famed publisher and author of this play. HENRIK IBSEN, playwright. ACT ONE. The drawing-room of a cottage by the sea.Enter OSVALD'S MOTHER and PASTOR MANDERS.PASTOR MANDERS: Your son Osvald has grown into a fine young man, Osvald's Mother. OSVALD'S MOTHER: Yet, Pastor Manders, I fear he shall be cut down in his very prime. He was infected with the clap during conception by Osvald's Father, a wayward sea-captain who is presumed lost at sea. The boy can go crackers any second. PASTOR MANDERS: My word! ACT TWO. Same setting. Enter OSVALD.OSVALD: I feel as right as rain. [Enter GHOST.]GHOST: I am the ghost of your sea-captain father. I'm afraid I infected you with the clap during conception. Sorry. [Exit GHOST.]OSVALD: Oh, damn. Now you tell me. [OSVALD lets loose a stream of gibberish and bounces out of the drawing room on his head.]OSVALD'S MOTHER: Osvald! Osvald!! INTERMISSION. Concessions may be sold in the lobby.ACT THREE. Same setting. Enter P. THURMAN ZEEBULL.P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: This play I wrote is very exciting. [Enter HENRIK IBSEN.]HENRIK IBSEN: You American son of a bitch, you ripped off my play Ghosts. P. THURMAN ZEEBULL: Quite so, and if anything, I improved it greatly. Yours was very boring. HENRIK IBSEN: Have at you, sir! I shall obtain satisfaction! [IBSEN brandishes a duelling epee, but before he can attack, ZEEBULL runs him over with his wheel-chair. IBSEN dies.]ZEEBULL: Huzzah! America is the greatest land of all! CURTAIN.