Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the incoming class of 2018:

  • Admitted students at colleges across America have a collective SAT score of 9.8 trillion
  • 12 freshmen could pretty much write their ticket anywhere because they’re from Alaska
  • Students for whom this will be first time out of direct eyesight of parents: 85%
  • Weirdos who’ve never seen snow before: 27%
  • Number of times student will claim to eat ramen over college career: 5,000
  • Number of times student will actually eat ramen over college career: 26
  • Incoming students who will encounter a quad for the very first time: 98%
  • Amount of money students are projected to spend on professor’s “Optional, But Recommended Texts” over their four years in college: $0
  • The class of 2018 sports 99.989 percent fewer middy blouses, gaiters, and homburg hats than the class of 1918
  • Students who won’t bother saying goodbye to their stepdad before leaving: 37%
  • Average age of the mysterious older woman who sits in on several freshman classes: 62 years old
  • Average amount of student debt that will seem totally fictional until 2019: $43,000
  • Primary reason for attending college: Going to be somebody, not grease monkey like old man