Normally, I don't get out front and center like this in the media, preferring instead to support my husband from the sidelines and let the pundits do the talking. But as Election Day draws ever nearer, I'd like to take this time to urge all of you to put "Country First" and cast your vote for my husband, John McCain! Because a vote for John McCain is not just a vote for experience, fortitude, and American values, it's also a vote for me, Cindy McCain, not tearing your ribcage open and spilling your steaming viscera into the street.
And that's something all Americans can agree on.
Let's take back Washington and make America great again! Barack Obama has never fought for this great country like John McCain has. That's a fact. So when you're in that election booth, ask yourself, do you want a president who believes in the strength of the American worker, or do you want me to rip off your limbs and use them to beat your skull to a bloody pile of skin and bone fragments? I think the choice is clear.
If you really think that a junior senator with no executive experience is the best person to lead us out of this economic crisis, then by all means vote for Obama. Just hope to God I never find out about it and, say, drive to your house in the dead of night, crawl through your bedroom window, and, in a calculated moment of seething rage, strangle you with my bare goddamn hands.
If you're really, really lucky, I'll just shoot you in the face.
Do you think Michelle Obama has the grace and assertiveness needed to be a good first lady? Do you think she has the poise and composure it takes? Consider this: Mrs. Obama might be younger and prettier than I am, but will she pull out your spine and howl like a hyena while drenched in the blood of your children? Because that's just the sort of sick shit I'm prepared to do if you don't vote for my husband. You hear that, you Obama- supporting swing-state fucks? I'll kill you. I'll fucking destroy you.
Oh, sure, I'm all smiles now. Got to give the cameras a happy face when they pull in for a close-up of me clapping at yet another campaign stop. But don't let my wide-eyed, vacant stare fool you—as God as my witness, I will shred your face into ribbons of tattered, flapping flesh with my bare fingernails if you even think about voting Democrat.
John McCain is the candidate America can trust, and if you so much as entertain the notion of voting for anyone else, you can trust that my war-hero husband isn't the only one in the family with the psychological resources to murder at will. I promise you, if you stand in the way of the leadership, integrity, and bold new vision John McCain is going to bring to the White House, the last thought that will go through your head before I tear it from your shoulders will be the fervent, desperate wish that you'd never been born.
Go ahead. Pull that lever for Obama. Try me. Do you think I am fucking kidding?!
Look at me. Look into my beady little eyes. See the way my delicate, birdlike head sits daintily on top of my poised, slender neck? Now imagine that head lunging in for the gruesome kill like the beak of a crazed, razor-taloned raptor intent on ripping open your jugular vein.
Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this? How many millions of dollars of my own money I've put up to help finance my husband's campaigns, only to see his character assassinated by members of his own party for decades? To see a shitbird like Karl Rove spread a rumor that John McCain had an illegitimate black baby and steal the South Carolina primary for Bush in 2000? To have the same party that condemned him as a "maverick" turn to him in desperation and champion the very qualities they once abhorred?
After all that, do you seriously think I'm going to stand idly by when the Democrats trot out a charismatic outsider-type of their own and blatantly steal my husband's outsider act just at the moment of victory?
I will bathe in your blood, Obama-supporting scum!
Now get out there and vote McCain-Palin on Nov. 4!