0AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.
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