049ers Outside Linebacker
Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines
Weakness: Tackling license expired months ago; Only concerned with sacking the opposing team’s quarterback, not communicating with him
Finishing Move: Throws football through opponent’s chest, rips out spine
Parents: Two hall-of-fame linebackers
Football Philosophy: Man have ball, Aldon tackle man
DUI To Super Bowl Appearances Ratio: 1 to 1
Lateral Movement: Ferociously scuttles after ball carriers like monstrous crab
Toughness: Relentlessly plays through injuries, blood-curdling screams of competitors
Most Memorable Sack: Trick question—is unable to form new memories
Additional Information: None
