Following the recent tragedy in which a Chinese ride called Space Journey malfunctioned and killed six people, many carnival rides are being more carefully inspected. Here are the reasons some of our favorites are being closed:

  • Accidentally shaped like giant penis
  • Wasn't bringing in the chumps like it used to
  • A few cats living in the gears, so what?
  • Contained too many racist depictions of the Chinese
  • Exceeded regulatory limit on miscarriages per hundred rides
  • Centripetal force exceeded tensile strength
  • Only guy who knew how to set it up choked on hot dog
  • Some kid barfed and the barf flew back and hit another kid in the face and he choked on it and died, so we heard