CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.
“We were gravely concerned that loggerheads would die out by early 2004,” said IUCN director Jennifer Demato, noting that there were estimated to be fewer than 100 of the oceanic turtles left in the world just 10 years ago. “These sea turtles were severely overhunted, millions were caught in fishing lines, and their habitats had been destroyed by ocean pollution. They had a great many obstacles to overcome, but by God, they fucked their way past each and every one of them.”
“The bottom line is that they knew they were in a big hole,” Demato continued. “So, what did they do? They bared down and fucked themselves right out of it.”
According to Demato, the female loggerhead has a relatively low reproductive rate and a mating season of only six weeks, which greatly compounded the species’ risk of extinction. However, Demato told reporters the marine reptiles said screw all of that and began fucking at extraordinary and previously unprecedented rates in an effort to increase their population levels. IUCN officials said the oceanic turtles even abandoned their usual migratory patterns in order to devote every last second to fucking, laying eggs, fucking, laying eggs, and constant, round-the-clock fucking and egg-laying.
By 2007, after fucking like their lives depended on it for four straight years, IUCN officials moved the species from “critically endangered” to “vulnerable.” After another six years of solid, nonstop fucking, the species reportedly blew by “conservation dependent” status and is now labeled as “near threatened.”
Sources confirmed that if members of the species can continue fucking like each one is the last goddamned loggerhead turtle on earth, it could achieve “least concern” status within a year.
“There was a brief period there when it seemed like they just couldn’t fuck anymore and were getting tired of courting prospective mates by constantly producing cloacal pheromones and circling one another,” Demato said. “But just when we thought they couldn’t fuck any more, they dug deep and, with whatever they had left in the tank, began fucking each other’s brains out harder and faster than ever before.”
“After a male fertilized his partner’s eggs, the female would quickly go nest and then immediately return to get fucked all over again,” Demato added. “Truly impressive.”
Due to their rampant fucking, loggerheads have returned in large numbers to their most popular natural habitats along the southeastern coast of the United States, the Mediterranean Sea, and the Indian Ocean. Demato explained that the rare reptiles can be spotted due to their large, reddish-brown shells and the fact that they are constantly fucking one another at every possible moment.
“The loggerheads feel like if they take their feet off the gas, they’ll end up where they started,” Demato said. “If there is any lesson to be learned here, it’s that not only should a species fuck, they should fuck like there’s no tomorrow.”