Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its features:

  • Awkward name enables Twitter users to make the same joke over and over and over again
  • Super slick design makes it impossible to hold, pick up, or stop from sliding down the street
  • Softly whimpers if left alone for too long
  • Maureen Dowd New York Times column generator
  • Photo album of the Jobs family summer vacation in Aruba
  • Free pair of black-rimmed glasses, turtleneck, and position at New York City architecture firm
  • Can withstand breezes up to 3 mph
  • To ensure that its users receive the constant public attention they crave, the iPad will emit the phrase "Hey, does that guy have an iPad?" every eight minutes