DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke down in tears in the family’s downstairs TV room. “Lefty deserves this! He deserves it!” Culp was overheard saying as he fell to his knees and let out repeated wails of joy and relief, adding that “Phil put in the work to be a great links golfer, and it paid off, goddammit.” “This couldn’t have happened to a better person. Look at his beautiful family! Lefty. Lefty! I love you, Lefty!!!” Family sources confirmed that at dinner that same night, Culp was silent and curt at the table, ordering his son to grab him a beer and telling his wife that the chicken was dry.