Like most Americans, I was raised to believe two things: that I am a very, very bad boy, and that I must be properly punished for my transgressions. But in recent years, I've become deeply disillusioned with the American justice system. After an overview of federal sentencing guidelines and meticulous study of the Departments of Corrections of all 50 states, I have found that our nation's criminal courts routinely resort to fines, imprisonment and community service as restitution for wrongdoing—punishments I, for one, find less than satisfactory. Aren't there any crimes punishable by public spanking?

Take one recent case from my own neighborhood. Last fall, a city policeman observed a 1995 Mercury Sable station wagon moving at 35 mph in a school zone. This is not only speeding, but reckless endangerment. You might think that such dangerous driving would warrant a good, hard spanking on the part of the stern and neatly uniformed arresting officer, and so did I. But, no! Instead of the 10 to 15 crisp, flat-handed smacks to the bottom the offense would seem to call for, I was given a ticket for $50 and instructed to appear in traffic court. This is justice?

At my court appearance, things got even worse. I soon learned the hard way that our city's calcified court system would not be forthcoming with the spanking I so clearly deserved. In fact, the judge actually seemed to resent my bringing it up. Though I was as meek and contrite as possible when suggesting I receive a stout, trousers-down paddling at the callused hands of the magistrate—my particular crime did not seem to call for the sterner measures of the judicial belt—the judge coldly explained that he would not be spanking me that day. Nor, I soon learned, would the bailiff, though from the looks of him, he certainly seemed capable. The judge threatened to hold me in contempt of court (yet another non-spankable offense!) for even broaching the idea. Instead, my fine was doubled. A mere slap on the wrist when the place I clearly needed that slap was on my little behind!

To be honest, my first choice for spanker was not the judge. Had I wanted to be spanked by a judge, I would have contrived to be arrested in Britain, where there are several judges per trial and all of them wear those lovely powdered wigs. No, like most American men, I wanted to be spanked by a steely-eyed, authoritarian traffic policeman. What sort of message were these lolly-coddling "enforcement" figures trying to send? That I could just commit a moving violation and not expect to receive a disciplinary hand-to-buttocks spanking from a uniformed officer of the law? I'll never learn right from wrong that way!

Through repeated experimentation, I have learned that petty theft is punishable by a fine or short prison stay, but not spanking. The same seems to hold true for vandalism, grand theft auto, indecent exposure, loitering and mail fraud. At every turn, I have been thwarted in my attempt to receive any sort of buttocks-based punishment. My lawyer has tried to stop me from requesting bottom-pinkening spankings in each of my 33 court appearances to date, and my court-appointed therapist has tried to tell me that spankings are not an effective deterrent to criminal behavior. I respectfully disagree.

Where is the sense of justice and retribution in this society? As bad as I've been, teachers, school-bus drivers, airline pilots, UPS delivery men and even certain clergymen have refused to take me across their knees for my misdeeds and swat me until my little face knots up and my buttocks redden and throb. Now I am told that not even committing murder will get me spanked in the eyes of the law. What will it take? Must I resort to terrorism, political assassination or high treason?

If I must, I must.