CLINTON, NY—Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend. “On behalf of myself and everyone on the student activities council, I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies. I cannot express how utterly sorry I am for the actions of this committee and the terrible mistakes we’ve made,” wrote the humiliated student officer, informing students there would not be any a cappella concerts, film screenings, or date auctions at any point from Friday night through Sunday, nor would there be an Ultimate Frisbee tournament, improv comedy show, African dance performance, guest lecture by a human rights advocate, or casino night. “Our goal was to bring amazing events to campus, coordinate fun activities for students, and foster a thriving college community, and we failed at that. This falls on us, and we deserve every bit of your disappointment and ridicule.” The email concluded by acknowledging that a French Club open house was scheduled for Saturday afternoon, but noted that it was by no means awesome and was absolutely not recommended by committee members.