Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

I have a problem with my landlord. Most renters can't get their landlord on the phone when they need repairs—I can't get mine to leave me alone! I try to be friendly, but he's always dropping by to check in and then far outstays his welcome. How can I get him to "lord" over someone else's land for a while? Help!

Boxed-In in Bethesda

Dear Boxed-In,

Yeah, no, Paul's still gone from being away all day at Six Flags with Silvia. I mean, like, he's not with Silvia. Obviously. They just went together because her friend's got a car and they were going anyway and Paul was like "Okay, I'll go with you." You know, because he's totally into roller coasters and baseball season's over and, yeah. So, he's at Six Flags but they're supposed to be back by eight because he's going to take me to the mall to get a new bathing suit. Oh my God, he was all so excited about me getting a bikini for the Beckers' birthday pool party, it was so freaking adorable. He told me he was going to start calling me Eva Mendes because I'm so hot like her. But, yeah, so it's actually totally completely cool that he was gone all day because I had this stupid choral performance anyway and he's heard me sing like, a million times already and this will probably be the only time he can go to Six Flags all summer. We were supposed to go together, originally, but whatever. I was just there last year so I don't care at all.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

I can't make head nor tail of these new wireless digital meat thermometers. I'm terrified of exposing my children to food-borne bacteria, so I need something I can trust. Any advice on choosing an affordable but reliable thermometer for my home kitchen?

Cookin' in Cape Cod

Dear Cookin',

She's just some girl who works at the SoccerZone concession stand and happened to be going to Six Flags this weekend. I think she goes to St. Thomas but who cares? It's, like, a big group of people going anyway, and they're just going to all drive down there separately because Silvia had to work until two at the concession stand. That's what Paul told me the last time I asked, and I don't even care at all who he goes to Six Flags with, so he wouldn't lie or anything. Anyway, I bet it sucks for Paul to have to talk to her all the way down there. It's like two and a half hours and I know he thinks she's totally disgusting and ugly because I heard she gave Patrick Deayton a hand job after only hanging out like, twice.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

As a recent victim of identity theft, I'm very concerned with protecting my personal information online. I thought my "spyware" protection program would protect me, but I later found out I didn't have the best program, and didn't update it regularly enough. Is there any hope for John Q. Laptop against these vicious, ever-evolving hackers? Can going online ever really be safe? Recommendations for new, better programs needed!

Worrywart in Washtenaw

Dear Worrywart,

Yeah, hey, so I just got this picture text from Paul and I know it's nothing or whatever, but does he have his arm around Bugs Bunny or does he have it around her? It's not that I care but it's just like, Paul is really hot, and even though he's my boyfriend some girls might think that they could get with him because we broke up for those four and a half days during February break. And it's like, I trust Paul. Paul loves me, and I love him, and even though he's going to away to college next year, I know that he would never, ever even think about another girl like that. Even if she is wearing a totally slutty tank top and stupid Croc sandals and oh my GOD—is she holding a stuffed animal? Is that a dolphin? Did he win her a stuffed animal? Why won't he pick up his freaking phone already argh oh my GOD I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALREADY.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

What's the most polite way to deal with an employee who's lacking in some key areas of personal hygiene? Can making suggestions about a subordinate's morning routine be considered sexual harassment?

—Grossed-Out in Georgia

Dear Grossed-Out,

It's 8:45! Where the frig is he? The mall is going to close soon and I am going to have nothing to wear to the Beckers' party because my so-called boyfriend snuck around behind my back to get a hand job from some skank. Yeah, well, guess what, Paul? I hope you had a really nice time at Six Flags, and I hope it was worth throwing away our whole life together, and I really hope you and Silvia are so happy together. Argh! You know what, Paul? I gave you everything and you just didn't care. Because you can't care. Not about anyone but yourself. Because the only person Paul Littell can ever really love is Paul Littell. Well, I hope Silvia Whatever can tutor you in math because you're too dumb to do trig. God. We were supposed to go to Alternative Spring Break together and you had to just go and ruin everything! I can't believe I ever trusted you with everything I had to give. As soon as you get back we are so over.

Confidential to Fed-Up in Philly: God, I could have given you a hand job at Six Flags!