Dear Dungeonmaster,

In a recent campaign, my 12th-level Chaotic Good Elf, "Lagathyl the Archer of the Golden Woods," acquired a Bag of Holding from a group of orcs containing several magical items from the Castles of Xyn. These spells would sure come in handy during the "Assault on the Slime Pits of Hordax" module my friends and I are playing next weekend. However, our dungeonmaster insists that the spells cannot be used in the Prime Material Plane. In other words, my Bag of Holding is rendered completely useless!

—Jeff "Lagathyl the Archer" Evans
Racine, WI

Dear Lagathyl,

This must be the 10th letter I've received from a 12th-level elf on this very subject. The answer is simple: According to the Deities and Demigods manual, the spells in question are derived from the Cthulhu mythos and are therefore inaccessible to characters with a Chaotic Good classification. What's more, even having the bag in your possession makes you vulnerable to psionic manipulation by the Elder Gods. You'd better get rid of it quick or your elf is toast!

Dear Dungeonmaster,

My pals and I meet every Saturday for gaming action. Ususally we trade off every week and play at a different person's house, and the host for that week buys pizza. Lately, however, one of our gang—I'll call him "Sauron"—didn't buy, and we all had to chip in. Worse, the next time he was hosting, we had to call off the game early when his parents kicked us out of the basement rec room because they wanted to watch TV. He's really bringing us down!

—Tim "Kyklax the Cleric" Schmidt
St. Louis, MO

Dear Kyklax,

Whatever you do, don't blame "Sauron" for his parents' inappropriate behavior. After all, many of us who love role-playing games have had to put up with those non-gamers out there who just don't understand how enriching D&D; can be. As far as the pizza goes, do any of you have a character who's a Thief? A couple of hundred gold and silver pieces or maybe a crossbow or short-handled broadsword missing from his saddlebags, and your friend will catch on and pay for his pizza, believe you me!

Dear Dungeonmaster,

I love D&D; a lot, and the friends I've made playing it have provided me with something far more precious than mere gaming fun--human companionship, something my life is otherwise lacking. But recently, I met a new group of friends through the local Dr. Who fan club. They're not into D&D; at all! I've been hanging out with them more and more, and last week, I even missed a session of D&D; to go to a Dr. Who convention with my new chums. I don't want to lose my old peer group, but Dr. Who is just so cool!

—Lars "Hutwarg the Wraith" Ermu

Dear Hutwarg,

I like Timelords as much as the next Earthling (ha ha), but be warned: Being too fixated on Dr. Who could become a compulsion. You don't want to end up being a big nerd, do you? Here's my advice, Hutwarg: Go down to your nearest gaming dealer, buy a brand-new set of pewter dragon miniatures, and hand-paint them so they look just like the drawings in the Monster Manual. That should get you back in the old D&D; spirit in no time.

Confidential To Loin Girder:

No way! If you're a Dwarf and got hit by a five-hit Dice Fire Dragon, you're going to need a Saving Throw of at least 12 or so on a 20-sider. Your so-called "friend" is an L-I-A-R.

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmon