BLOOMINGTON, IN—Local 88-year-old widower Willard Baskin announced his interest Wednesday in the dollfaced, sclerotic little number who lives down the hall from him at the Sunshine Valley Continuing Care Center. “Oh, man, watching that hot item shuffle it oh-so-slowly across the common area has been driving me wild,” the retired tool-and-die maker said of the liver-spotted cutie he has reportedly had his eye on each evening during activity time. “That lingering mothball scent, the way she gums the rice pudding from her spoon—it’s enough to quicken the pulse of any man around here who still has one. And I can’t see that sexy, L-shape body without starting to daydream that maybe she’s suffered just enough dementia to have forgotten all her old inhibitions.” Baskin added that, unfortunately, the hunched-over vixen acts as if she doesn’t know he exists, which he grants is certainly a possibility.