Astrological Predictions For 2009

Horoscope ISSUE 44•51 Dec 15, 2008
  • Aries The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.