Astrological Predictions For 2009

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Aries The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.

Taurus Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.

Gemini You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.

Cancer Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.

Leo You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.

Virgo Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.

Libra The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.

Scorpio Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.

Sagittarius Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."

Capricorn Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.

Aquarius A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.

Pisces You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.

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