Pollen chunks
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    Athletics

    Slideshow • sports • ISSUE 48•26 • Jul 10, 2012
    • Facebook0
    • Twitter1
    • Google Plus0
    • Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him

      SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for key position against his teammates, participates in spin and takedown drills, and seems to enjoy the challenges of his sport.
      1 of 10
    • More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins

      DURHAM, NC—The number of athletes attempting to achieve increased composure and improved performance in clutch situations by injecting ice...
      2 of 10
    • Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries, Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long

      NEW YORK—Despite his incessant complaints that resting his buttocks on a chair for prolonged periods of time causes him discomfort and pain, a man paid to provide sports analysis insisted Sunday that athletes should be able to play regardless of injuries attained through physical action.
      3 of 10
    • Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup

      BOWLING GREEN, KY—Claiming that "today's more active athlete needs better protection for his, well, come on, you know," sports equipment manufacturer Russell Athletic debuted its new line of protective cups and athletic supporters Monday. ...
      4 of 10
    • Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research

      ST. PAUL—The American Academy of Neurology issued a statement this week urging professional athletes with suspected concussions to wait until they are deceased before sending in their brains for research.
      5 of 10
    • Legendary Stalker Of Female Athletes Retires

      The stalking game won't be the same without the legendary Bill Ansler, whose achievements in becoming obsessed with female athletes of all stripe will likely never be matched.
      6 of 10
    • Selling Equals Winning, Ex-Athlete Tells Direct-Mail Merchandisers

      HARRISBURG, PA–Selling equals winning, former Los Angeles Rams fullback Ron Pitts told direct-mail merchandisers Tuesday during a sales seminar at the Harrisburg Marriott.
      7 of 10
    • Sports Becomes Increasingly Boring As Death No Longer Punishment For Losing

      According to prominent sports historians, the modern-day practice of allowing a losing team or athlete to live has significantly lessened the intensity of sports as a whole in the centuries since the execution of defeated competitors has fallen out of vogue.
      8 of 10
    • Roman Populace Constantly Argues Whether Chariot-Racing Is Actually A Sport

      While the practice of racing chariots on circular or oval tracks enjoyed extreme popularity in the Roman Empire, particularly in the rural Southern provinces, historians claim its legitimacy as an athletic event was often a topic of heated debate among contemporary sports enthusiasts.
      9 of 10
    • Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice

      SOUTH BEND, IN—During Wednesday's afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football team, injured nine starters, including third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen, junior wide receiver...
      10 of 10
    • More Slideshows

      Start Over
      • The Week In Pictures

      • The Week In Pictures

      • The Week In Pictures

      • The Week In Pictures

      • The Week In Pictures

    Recently in Slideshow See More >

    NEWS

    SPORTS

    ENTERTAINMENT

    LIFESTYLE

    NEWS

    SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

    Recent News

    Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School YearFossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam EarthAmerican Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A DayNew Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 ExplosionsProgressive Charter School Doesn’t Have StudentsScientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails

    Recent Videos

    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

    New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your DickAutopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

    • TV: Great Job, Internet!: Tig Notaro wants to shoot her new documentary in your backyard

    • Film: Contest: Chicago, see Fruitvale Station early and for free

    • Film: Newswire: James Franco to continue interpreting Faulkner through the prism of Franco with The Sound And The Fury

    • Bi-Curious George: An Unauthorized Parody

    • WTF Stamp

    • Cheat To Win Bracelet

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts

    • A.V. Undercover: Machester Orchestra Covers Faces' "Ohh La La"

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

    Follow The Onion

    Receive The Newsletter

    • Personals
    • FAQ
    • Contact Us
    • Jobs
    • Media Kit
    • Privacy Policy
    • Franchising
    • RSS & Apps

    The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved