Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:

Doctor, Mother, Baby

  • Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby
  • If your baby starts to choke, don't help; allowing the infant to cough up the blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in the development of his or her self-esteem
  • Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use
  • Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
  • Babies love to play; grasp baby by ankles and, with a quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor
  • Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply a hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side
  • Baby carriers are a needless expense; try a metal pail instead
  • Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute that you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't— fingers and toes do not grow back
  • When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box
  • Car safety is an important, all-too-often overlooked facet of infant care; when securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with a cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed
  • When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it"
  • Develop your baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands in his or her face; in time, the child will learn to block them