With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.

  • Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for minimal returns, making this one of their best offseasons ever
  • Los Angeles Angels: Signed Josh Hamilton knowing he’d feel right at home in L.A. amongst the millions of other recovering cocaine addicts
  • Cleveland Indians: After being assured they’d keep the announcement out of the press, Nick Swisher reluctantly signed a lucrative contract with the Indians
  • Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton signed with the Braves, where he’ll combine forces with his brother to give sportswriters an easy feature piece whenever they’re out of ideas
  • Miami Marlins: By trading away all of their players, finally able to devote the necessary attention to that giant dumb fountain
  • Pittsburgh Pirates: Signed three highly rated prospects, who will soon be traded for five other highly rated prospects, each of whom will in turn be traded for two highly rated prospects
  • New York Yankees: Spent $12 million to acquire services of former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis in hopes that he can keep up 60 RBI, .235 batting average pace set in 2012
  • Chicago Cubs: Signed right-handers Kyuji Fujikawa and Scott Feldman to address their glaring bullpen issues, leaving them now only needing to address their glaring batting issues, fielding issues, and management issues
  • Toronto Blue Jays: Signed one fucking pitch from the Mets for $25 million