STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitely

WEAKNESSES: Getting people to like him; periodically does things that make Tony Dungy open his big sanctimonious mouth; still can't ride a motorcycle worth a damn

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To use the win or loss to his advantage after the game

NICKNAMES: Big Ben; Scumbag; Alleged Assailant; Prick; That’s My Sister, You Fucking Asshole

VISUALIZATION TECHNIQUE: Concentrates all game on tubing on a lake behind a ski boat driven by his dog while a woman fellates him

NEXT: Hines Ward