This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Chris Evans Would Be GoodNicholas Sparks (Grand Central, $12.99) A young man dreams of the simple country girl he left behind and of the actor who might portray him in the film adaptation.
  2. Depressing-Occasion CakesMartha Stewart (Clarkson Potter, $34.99) From funeral tortes to divorce flans, the best desserts for the worst moments of your life.
  3. Shoving Live Cats Into A Garbage DisposalAnn Coulter (Crown Forum, $29.99) The bestselling author takes a break from politics to tackle a subject near and dear to her heart.
  4. The Onion Book Of Known KnowledgeThe Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99)With this august volume, The Onion shall strike a mortal blow to ignorance everywhere and shatter any pitiful illusions the world once had about how many copies could be sold.
  5. Keeps Me From Stinkin’Jeff Foxworthy (Villard, $12.95)The popular comedian and game show host details why he bathes regularly.
  6. Killing NicoleBill O’Reilly (Henry Holt, $19.99)The O’Reilly Factor host explains how he would have killed O.J. Simpson’s wife had anyone asked him.
  7. Lies Of The PrisonerPatricia Cornwell, James Patterson, and Dean Koontz (Bantam, $28.95) Cornwell, Patterson, and Koontz team up to write the ultimate airport bookstore novel.
  8. The Bible (Penguin, $12.99) A merciful God’s patience is tested by the hijinks of man.
  9. The New Miracle DietFrank Meriwether, M.D. (Touchstone, $19.95) Dr. Meriwether explains how you can easily lose weight by replacing one meal every day with a cashew-based slurry.
  10. Of Mice And Men And ZebrasTim Showenstal (Quark, $15.99) The John Steinbeck classic gets the zebra treatment in this latest mashup iteration.