We would like to apologize for stating last week that The Onion is “bigger than Jesus.” What we meant to imply is that The Onion is more important and influential than Jesus, not that our newspaper is in any way physically larger than He was. We regret any confusion.
Last Tuesday, The Onion accidentally printed a photo of a nun feeding an apple to a horse everywhere a photo belonged.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.