Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:

  • Attack on boyhood town harboring '70s fat-Osama photos
  • Deploying top al-Qaeda operative Donald Trump to distract America from its real problems (plan completed)
  • Planting explosives on Mount Rushmore to turn George Washington into Jimmy Carter
  • Secretly replacing all M&Ms with Reese's Pieces
  • Repeatedly voting for the worst American Idol contestant, ruining the chances of those who really deserve to move on to the next round
  • Writing snide, dismissive comments on every Huffington Post story about Pakistan
  • Grinding the Internet to a standstill by enlisting mujahideen to all stream Netflix at the same time
  • Flying planes directly into lower Manhattan's 9/11 memorial (plan repeatedly placed on hold)