HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a general feeling of boredom, as well as a lack of anything better to do, members of the celebrity news media announced this week that they have decided to put all other stories on hold and use every resource at their disposal to go after veteran film and television actor Ray Liotta.
"It's been kind of a slow month, so we figured, 'Hey, how about we harass the ever-loving shit out of Ray Liotta for a while?'" Star magazine editor-in-chief Candace Trunzo told reporters at a press conference Monday. "So that's exactly what my publication and every other celebrity news organization in the country is going to do. We're going to pin this son of a bitch down, pop 3,000 flashbulbs right in his eyeballs, and make every waking moment of his life a living hell."
"Some of you may be asking, 'Why would you do this? Why would you completely ruin Ray Liotta?'" Trunzo added. "And to those people I can only say, 'Why the fuck not?'"
Following the announcement, hundreds of entertainment reporters from across the country converged on Liotta's Pacific Palisades home, where they have remained camped for the past 72 hours. During this time, the 55-year-old actor has reportedly emerged on six occasions, each time facing a sustained onslaught of questions on topics ranging from his career, to his hair, to the state of his relationship with his ex-wife, Michelle.
Sources said that after leaving his home yesterday morning, Liotta was immediately pursued to an optometrist appointment by a convoy of news vans, photographers on motorcycles, and helicopters, all of which trailed him until he finally returned later that evening.
At press time, every tabloid, entertainment news program, and celebrity gossip blog in the nation was inexplicably running material de-voted exclusively to Liotta, in some cases providing extensive updates two or three times per minute.
"We're going to be up this guy's ass for as long as it takes: all Liotta, all the time," E! chief news correspondent Ken Baker said as he supervised a camera crew peering over Liotta's backyard fence. "We're hoping he snaps and tries to hit somebody. If he does, we got a whole bunch of stories lined up: 'Ragin' Ray,' 'A Whole Liotta Anger,' 'Badfella,' etc. Then we'll show a clip of him from Goodfellas pistol-whipping that guy in the driveway and we'll run it every goddamned day for a month and he will never, ever live it down for as long as he lives."
"Fucking asshole piece of shit celebrity," Baker added. "Fucking Ray Liotta."
In an effort to "push [Liotta] to the very edge of sanity," People magazine announced plans to run an 80-page cover story on "The Sick, Pathetic Little World of Ray Liotta," complete with embarrassing revelations about the actor's allegedly "sordid" private life and a series of personal text-message exchanges appearing beneath the heading "We Own You."
In addition, TMZ.com said it had obtained exclusive telephoto-lens images of Liotta's genitals taken while he was changing in a locker room after a swim.
"We've got all kinds of shit ready to go," said Us Weekly assistant editor Jason Peurifoy. "We forged a sex tape. We dug up some ex-girlfriend from the '80s and paid her a bunch of money to say Ray was abusive. We Photoshopped some kind of 'proof' that he's had plastic surgery. And why? Because fuck him, that's why."
"We didn't need a reason when we fucking obliterated Gary Sinise back in '99," Peurifoy continued. "Or Minnie Driver. We slaughtered her for no reason at all. Just didn't like her face."
When the famously anger-prone Liotta was reached for comment by The Onion, he unleashed one of his notorious Liotta-in-a-china-shop wild tirades.
"I really don't know why this is happening," said the oh-so-testy thespian, who, according to Onion pedophilia expert Dr. Jeffrey Meisenheimer, may be "expressing frustration" over his much-whispered-about secret desire to sexually molest young children. "Please, I beg of you, just leave me alone."
Talk about Something Wild!
Meanwhile, in other Liotta news, it seems one pretty young starlet might be getting a whole Liotta more than she bargained for in nine months, and guess who the father might be?