BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take out the Boston Marathon bomber if Twitter users give us enough “yes” votes to do so. “Folks, it is now or never, so tweet @TheOnion ‘Yes, kill the terrorist,’ or ‘No, stand down,’ depending on what you want us to do,” confirmed this reporter. “It’s a head shot, but we can do something less messy if you want. We will tabulate the votes in 40 seconds.” Sources said the terrorist looks like he’s on the move, so get to the social networking site immediately.

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney