Beginning in the spring of 2011, the government of the United Kingdom will conduct regular surveys of the happiness and well-being of its citizens. Here are some of the variables that will be measured:

• Ratio of compliments received per pounds spent on shoes
• How often you check that no one's looking and say, "Tits"
• How often one sells out the Royal Albert Hall
• Stiffness vs. pliability of upper lip
• Distance in miles from Simon Cowell
• How often one has just the perfect bit of beans on toast
• Number of perfectly good pieces of string salvaged from the rubbish bin on monthly basis
• Number of fake laughs per hour vs. number of sad laughs per hour