0HENLY, TX—Unusually warm temperatures, regular rainfall, and innovative agricultural techniques have resulted in the third-straight record Nilla harvest, the nation's Nilla farmers report. "It's a great time to be in the cookie business," said Eugene Jesperson, shortbread magnate and three-time recipient of the Postprandial Society's Golden-Brown Medal For Excellence, during a tour of his 50,000-acre Nilla orchards Tuesday. "I haven't seen the Nilla this thick on the vine since I was a kid, and the Nilla weevils have left us alone for a while now." The bumper crop is a rare spot of good news for America's flavoring growers, who have been plagued in recent years by cinnablight, choc-o-mold, and crumb fungus.
More News in Brief
Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party
'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say
ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence ...
Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave ...
Call From Daycare Can't Be Good
HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that ...
