President Bush is seeking to double the amount the U.S. is spending to fight global AIDS to $30 billion in five years. Where will the money go?

$10 billion – Programs to get people off AIDS and back to work

$30 million – Equipping future Black Hawks with crates of pamphlets and condoms, so next time won't be a total loss

$1.5 billion – Installing particularly vicious anti-AIDS dictator in Uganda

$17 million – Global campaign to promote dry humping

$1,137.62 – AIDS-vaccine research

$8.2 billion – Guns to shoot AIDS with

$15 billion – Faith-based initiatives

$.41 – Strongly worded letter to AIDS

$14.80 – Nameplate for AIDS czar