President Bush has appointed Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as "war czar." What will Lute's duties entail?

Living high off the sweat and labor of the war serfs

Filing appropriate paperwork so that the right shit gets blown up

Ghostwriting Bush's memoir about the past six years, War Musin'

Placing courtesy calls to retired generals and politely requesting that they lay off for a while

Delivering the bluster of 10 men

Creating morale-boosting activities for the troops that do not involve them coming home

Regularly briefing the president on how he's liking being the new war czar

Answering phones, light typing, fall-taking