President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with warrantless wiretapping. Here are some of the provisions of the bill:

Federal agents have the right to intercept phone calls, read text messages, and listen in when you're whispering secrets to your friends without obtaining a warrant

Federal law enforcement officials, when asked to produce a warrant, are allowed to punch the inquiring individual in the mouth and say, "There's your warrant!"

Broadens the government's right to overhear free speech

Allows Department of Agriculture to wiretap suspicious-looking livestock

Investigators may interrupt any phone call and tell long-winded speakers to get to the point

Suspected terrorists who do not have long-distance service will be issued free phone cards

Bush gets another four years

Gives the Department of Homeland Security free rein to request a full book report on any book an individual has checked out of the library

American citizens cannot be spied on, with the exception of all of them