According to the American Cancer Society, cancer deaths are down for the second straight year. Here are some reasons why:

Recently discovered strain of life-prolonging colon cancer

New government program designed to educate public about dangers of eating uranium

Healthier diets, earlier diagnosis, ball-checking—all that shit

In 2004, all power lines were redirected to only go over one guy's house

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ

'Cancer-Reducing Greg' has doubled his workload

Simple statistical fluke