Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the best possible impression on voters. Here’s how they’re preparing:

  • Romney engaging in practice debates with only black member of his campaign staff
  • Romney encouraged to pump up local crowd by making repeated references to the “Denver Broncos National Football League professional football team”
  • Obama staffers sending president’s suit to be professionally dry-cleaned
  • To put him at ease during nerve-racking debate, Romney will visualize the entire audience as rich
  • Along campaign trail, aides randomly pelting Obama with oranges that have a picture of Mitt Romney’s face taped to them
  • Handlers advising Romney to show some fire in his belly by just having him scream in response to any question the moderator asks him
  • Big smiles!
  • Color consultants working around the clock to dye Romney’s hair just the right shade of Reagan brown
  • Romney camp hiding all newspapers so he goes into the debate with confidence