Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

• Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  
• Always drive with all four wheels.
  
• Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
  on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
  the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
  decided yet.
  
• Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
  vomit off floormats.
  
• Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
  belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  
• To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
  when not in use.
  
• In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
  probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
  how you feel.
  
• To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
  you will be driving.
  
• Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
  of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
  all the way down to the floor.
  
• Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
  to have sex at a wayside.
  
• When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
  fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
  drinking it all.
  
• Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
  go anywhere.
  
• Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
  at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
  out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  
• When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
  the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
  and beat you to death with it.
  
• Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.