Choosing A Rest Home

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very important decision:

Choosing A Rest Home

• Be wary of nursing homes with stray dogs roaming the hallways, overturned garbage cans in the TV room, or placards reading, "Mercy Is For The Weak."
  
• Don't expect your loved one to feel comfortable in his/her new home right off the bat. It takes a few weeks to get used to that overpowering urine stench.
  
• Seeing a loved one die in a care facility can be a heartbreaking experience. Take your family shopping or to the movies instead.
  
• When looking at a prospective rest home, ask yourself, "Would I want to waste away my last few years in a place like this?"
  
• As a low-cost alternative to a nursing home, consider a local storage facility. Throw in a canteen of water and some Kit Kat bars once a week.
  
• If you suspect a home is selling off residents as meat, be sure they cut you in for a share of the profits.
  
• Feeling wanted can extend a person's life by years, increasing nursing-home costs. Make sure your loved one knows of your disdain and apathy toward them.
  
• Before your loved one moves into his/her new room, make sure the nursing home has removed the body of the last resident.
  
• To prevent bedsores, insist that your loved one be kept suspended from cables like in Coma.
  
• Some of the newer nursing homes feature a drive-thru drop-off window for new patients.
  
• Ask how your loved one likes his/her new home. But remember, in an infirmed state, "No! No! God, no!" often means, "I love it here."
  
• Be sure to choose a nursing home where the residents are rolled over at least once a year.
  
• A good nursing home provides diversions for residents. Ask to see the Price Is Right video library.
  
• All the top rest homes serve delicious greenish-blue paste at mealtime. If you don't know whether the home you're considering offers it, ask.
  
• Old people are often terrified of bats. Make sure the homes you're looking at are not major nesting sites.
  
• You'll likely want to choose a home inconveniently located hundreds of miles away to minimize visits.
  
• Remember: Rest homes are not merely a way to pass off responsibility for your loved one by dumping him/her in some god-forsaken place to die alone and unloved. Keep repeating this comforting phrase to yourself until you start to believe it.