Reston, VA—The Matthew, Mark, Luke and Fun Playland theme park opened Saturday to a record crowd, most of which came to ride the new Spankinator 7000, the world’s largest spanking machine. Developed by Playland technicians, the Spankinator has the ability to spank over 450 children at once, while blasting Bible quotes through 800-watt hydrophonic speakers. “Many parents simply do not have the time to spank and quote scripture simultaneously, especially in public,” park spokesman Father John Parks said. “Now, they can do it in a ‘fun’ and safe Christian environment, as well as take in a Mass or ride the You’re-Going-to-Rot-in-Hell-Go-Round.”