WASHINGTON, DC—At a special emergency press conference Monday, President Clinton announced that "it is now every man for himself."

President Bill Clinton

"My fellow Americans, your government and your once-great nation lie in ruins," Clinton told assembled reporters. "Over the past 48 hours, the reports of rioting along the Eastern seaboard have increased to alarming levels. The National Guard reports that the Mississippi is running red with blood. And we have not had communication with any state west of the Rockies since late Sunday."

Clinton, flanked by two men he claimed were his "only remaining loyal Secret Servicemen," strongly advised all Americans to panic.

"So dire is the current situation that I have no choice but to urge all citizens who can still hear me to run. Run to the hills. Save yourselves," he said.

Clinton said that, following the press conference, he would flee Washington via a network of underground tunnels.

"Unfortunately, the looting and burning that has consumed America has not spared the nation's capital," Clinton said. "The danger posed to myself by the murderous, bloodthirsty mobs, not to mention the ever-increasing levels of radiation in the D.C. area, has driven me out of the White House bunker. I will evacuate to an emergency base, where I will bury the remains of my beloved Hillary and make every effort to organize a provisional American government."

The president urged the American people to exercise extreme caution when approaching strangers, especially those who appear to be friendly.

"This new dark age shall be ruled by the strong and cunning," Clinton said. "Obtain all the canned food, gasoline and ammunition you can, using deadly force if necessary. Stay off the main roads, which will be overrun by marauding, rogue policemen and mutinous soldiers from what was once the U.S. Army. Find a secluded spot in the wilderness and build a makeshift fortress where you can await further news, though I cannot guarantee that any will ever come."

According to Clinton, members of Congress, the Cabinet, and other high-level government offices are either looting and plundering their way across the ravaged countryside, or are missing and presumed dead in the wake of the nation's violent reversion to barbarism last week.

"I am sorry to announce that all nine Supreme Court justices were among the men and women who had their tongues cut out before being crucified upside-down on the National Mall," Clinton said. "As for Vice-President Gore, the remaining member of the White House medical staff just informed me that the poison has reached his heart. He is not expected to last the night."

The only member of the federal government whose whereabouts are known, Clinton said, is Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN), who is currently organizing a torch-wielding mob in Arlington, VA, for a planned siege of the White House. Clinton said that several times during the past week, Thompson had confronted him, urging the president to "just walk away" and leave his women and kingdom to the Tennessee senator.

"Though roving bands of cutthroats have set thousands of gallons of combustible fuel oil alight on the surface of the Potomac and diverted it to flow through the streets of Washington, sealing off the entire city in a wall of fire, I must attempt to escape," said Clinton. "Hopefully, the labyrinth of presidential escape tunnels beneath the White House is still intact."

Clinton declined comment on his previously stated plan to make a mad dash to safety across the city's rooftops, saying only that he "would not rule out that possibility at this juncture."

"Whatever happens to me—whether it be savage beatings and brutal rape at the hands of crypto-anarchists, or consumption by marauding cannibal sun-worshippers, I am certain that the ideals of America will live on after me," Clinton said. "Good luck, goodbye, and God bless the United States of America."