Cable News Network? Yeah, right. Nice try, Ted Turd-Burglar. Your channel should be called the Crappy News Not-work. Because that's what it is–crappy and not even news.

CNN is so retarded. They totally have no editorial vision. And they're always trying to act so cool. Like, "Oooh, Darth Vader is our announcer!" Whoop-de-doo. Did Darth Vader break any new developments in the Chandra Levy case? I didn't think so.

And who does CNN have for a network-defining anchor? Lou Waters? Puh-leez. Dweeb-o-rama. I was a better anchor than him back when I was on The Today Show, which is basically all CNN Today is, 'cause it's so stupid.

Okay, ready? This is how Lou Waters does the news: "Doyyy, I'm King Retard, and this is the Retard News. Today, the president took a dump. I do not know what happened next, because I can't read, so I will pick my nose now. Doyyy... what delicious boogers! Turning now to the international scene, my butt hurts." I swear to God, that's him.

CNN acts like they're the network of record in Millennial America, just because of their award-winning Gulf War coverage. That was so 10 years ago, and people only watched because there was no MSNBC back then.

Oh, and check this out. This past April, I'm at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and CNN White House reporter John King starts bagging on this "Fleecing Of America" report we did. 'Cause we did this report about these pharmaceutical companies that are getting government subsidies and still charging 1,000 percent markups on pills. So he was all like, "As big a problem as I have with the major U.S. pharmaceutical companies, I found your report to be unfairly biased in favor of the consumer." Duh. That was the whole point, Lord Dorkenhumper! If John King is at next year's dinner, there's no way I'm going.

Speaking of John King, CNN also has Larry King, who's so old he's probably John's great-grandfather or something. Man, does Larry suck. (Or, suck up, that is.) I mean, hello? It's supposed to be a news network! Not the Blah-Blah-Blah-About-The-Power-Of-Prayer-With-Pat-Boone-and-Kenneth-Copeland Network! Or the I'm-Kissing-Marlon-Brando-On-The-Lips-Total-Stupid-Gaywad-Channel-For-Gays Network.

And Headline News? More like Deadline Snooze. How can you even call that news? It's just a bunch of headlines. That is so not news.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot. This is totally secret. You did not hear this from me, okay? Maria Shriver told me that Robert Bazell said Lou Dobbs told Roger Cossack that he wants to completely make out with Greta Van Susteren. Can you believe that? Who would want to kiss her? Greta Van Susteren is so totally corroded.

And Jeff Greenfield? Doyyy. What is he, my science teacher? That guy is gimpier than John Hockenberry. And more boring, too. Watching cars rust is more exciting than that Greenfield At Large thing. Man, does that show rot. It's not just Greenfield At Large, though. All of CNN is bad like that. TalkBack Live? More like TalkBack Dead. Hey, Teddy T., before you start another 24-hour news network, maybe you should get some decent content first!

So, in conclusion, I would just like to say that CNN blows white-hot chunks of complete and total suckiness.