Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:
- Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.
- Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.
- Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues—this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.
- You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.
- To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.
- If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility
to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-ass.
- Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.
- Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.
- The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.
- To keep warm in the winter, replace your blood with mom's homemade chicken soup. Noodles should be no greater than one millimeter thick to prevent coronary blockage.
- Remember: Your body produces phlegm for a reason. Always save your mucous, and keep it near you in jars at all times.
- Germs generally enter the body through the skin. To protect you from infection, shave yours off.
- Zinc and Vitamin C help fight colds. Vitamin C can be found in oranges, but zinc is a semi-precious metal found only in Africa. If symptoms persist, organize a jungle safari to seek out the fabled Zinc Mines of Sugolahara.