49ers Quarterback

Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability to take advantage of someone being injured and steal their career

Weakness: Tall, brunette, weak-side blitzing linebackers; Still hasn’t introduced himself to everyone in offensive huddle; Before this month, best known as MVP of 2008 Humanitarian Bowl

Favorite Play (in order): Read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option, read-option

Skills: Pinpoint flexing accuracy; At this rate, will deplete entire turbo meter by third game of 2013 season

Flaws: Makes Jim Harbaugh look like a goddamn genius

Elusiveness: Used mobility and speed to evade Chicago Cubs

Passing: Shit, no, he’s taking off again

Favorite Tattoo: Little butterfly on lower back

NEXT: Michael Crabtree