As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.

  • The Girl, Interrupted: 2 daily servings of Vicodin, Valium, laxative, unlimited coffee. $20/week with insurance, $80 without
  • The Open-minded Bohemian: Includes daily vegan, macrobiotic, menudo, and beef-tongue options. $100/week
  • The Freshman 15: Unlimited access to mouthwatering sundae bar, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and Domino's Pizza. $20/week
  • The Thrifty: Daily portions of leftover rolls, perfectly good remains of mostly uneaten personal pan pizza, excess fries, and one bonus meal a week consisting of whatever is left in the kitchen that just isn't moving. $10/week
  • The Latchkey Kid: A loaf of Wonder Bread, a package of Oscar Mayer bologna, a box of Cheerios, and a quart of whole milk. $30/week
  • The 72: If you can eat your college's signature 72-ounce frittata with Diet Coke and noodles in one hour, you don't have to pay. $2,000/$0
  • The Breakfast Anytime: Provides preferred round-the-clock waffle-station access to those wearing pajama pants. $115/week