Dear The Onion,
I have to tell my neighbors that I'm a convicted sex offender. Would you mind printing this and saving me some trouble?

— Lars Cromwell, Aberdeen, SD

Dear The Onion,
How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't check exactly eight times before I left the house. I'm an adult, for Christ's sake.

— Rene Crouch, Spokane, WA

Dear The Onion,
There are a lot of problems in the world today—bombings, economic turmoil, and mine collapses, just to name a few—and you do a great job of covering them, but would you mind reporting which of these are caused by the devil and which are just accidents? Thanks.

— Evan Waters, Hallowell, ME

Dear The Onion,
The ghost in my apartment won't go away unless you correct a misspelling of his name from June 6, 1997. Dwight Schermerhorn. One "m."

— Sincerely, Jasper Richards, Lubbock, TX

Dear The Onion,
Included in this envelope is my subscription renewal check. You might also notice a few loose greenbacks—not sure how those got in there (wink, wink). Let's just say I won't object if I find a little extra news in my paper each day.

— Gene Kintgen, Indianapolis, IN

Dear The Onion,
The person who delivered my paper this morning looked underdeveloped—his body stuck somewhere between childhood and maturity. Please hire a more complete human to do your bidding.

— Reginald Crusoe, Greenwich, CT

Dear The Onion,
Who am I?

— David(?), Calabasas, CA

Dear The Onion,
Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed).

— Rich, Toms River, NJ