Dear The Onion,
I'm color-blind. What's green like?
07.28.10
Dear The Onion,
I have to tell my neighbors that I'm a convicted sex offender. Would you mind printing this and saving me some trouble?
07.30.08
Dear The Onion,
How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't check exactly eight times before I left the house. I'm an adult, for Christ's sake.
09.22.10
Dear The Onion,
There are a lot of problems in the world today—bombings, economic turmoil, and mine collapses, just to name a few—and you do a great job of covering them, but would you mind reporting which of these are caused by the devil and which are just accidents? Thanks.
02.25.09
Dear The Onion,
The ghost in my apartment won't go away unless you correct a misspelling of his name from June 6, 1997. Dwight Schermerhorn. One "m."
08.11.10
Dear The Onion,
Included in this envelope is my subscription renewal check. You might also notice a few loose greenbacks—not sure how those got in there (wink, wink). Let's just say I won't object if I find a little extra news in my paper each day.
03.27.10
Dear The Onion,
The person who delivered my paper this morning looked underdeveloped—his body stuck somewhere between childhood and maturity. Please hire a more complete human to do your bidding.
11.26.08
Dear The Onion,
Who am I?
04.06.11
Dear The Onion,
Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed).
08.25.10
Dear The Onion,
By the time you read this I will have canceled my subscription. I know this may be difficult for you to hear, but I’ve found another newspaper that informs me in ways I never thought possible. It’s the Dubuque Telegraph Herald and I’m moving to Iowa to be with it. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself.
04.24.08
Dear The Onion,
Why is it that almost every time we pick up The Onion we have to read about another beached whale? What is this, The Onion For Beached Whales?
11.16.11
Dear The Onion,
I'd like to thank Dr. Abrams for his insightful advice in last week's Health Matters column. I'm feeling better already! Included is my $15 co-pay.
10.23.10
Dear The Onion,
How do you know if a girl likes you? If she's pregnant, does that mean she does?
06.06.09
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