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    Competition

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•45 • Nov 5, 2012
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    • NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

      It's Shitty Because You Don't Have The Ball Anymore, Coaches Say

      NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ...
      1 of 10
    • Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

      Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

      WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho...
      2 of 10
    • Cockroach King Concerned Over Recent Rise Of Bedbugs

      GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday that the recent rise in bedbug populations could threaten his sovereignty over the realm of human squalor.
      3 of 10
    • Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World

      PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of mankind's creations."
      4 of 10
    • Big Brown Attempts Horse Racing Comeback As Jockey

      5 of 10
    • Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France

      BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators if they had any drugs that could help them finish the rac...
      6 of 10
    • Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

      CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his p...
      7 of 10
    • Uncle Ben's To Compete Against Apple With Brand-New Smartphone

      HOUSTON—Hoping to boost profits by cutting into the valuable market share currently occupied by Apple's popular iPhone 4S, top American rice manufacturer Uncle Ben’s announced plans Tuesday to release its first-ever smartphone.
      8 of 10
    • Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

      WORCESTER, MA—Residents of Worcester's Grafton Hill neighborhood acknowledged Monday they would not necessarily mind a Panera Bread franchise coming in and wiping out Callahan's, a charming, family-run bakery that has been a fixture of their communi...
      9 of 10
    • All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future

      Year In Review

      WASHINGTON—Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of the federal government's resources will now be directed exclusively toward the 50 children who ac...
      10 of 10
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