Commissioner Roger Goodell has granted talented but controversial quarterback Michael Vick conditional reinstatement in the NFL. Some of the terms of his second chance:

Vick will have access to the NFL gym, but only during off-peak hours

Can date any women he wants, as long as he promises not to pit them against each other in fights to the death

Should Vick eventually get into an NFL game, he will be confined to pocket-arrest

Half of Vick's salary will go to a pit bull of Goodell's choosing

Cannot kill dogs unless celebrating touchdown of 20 yards or more

Learn to throw an accurate pass, for the love of Christ

Must completely turn his life around and become a selfless team player, a pillar of the community, and a friend to animals and children, eventually coming to embody the spirit of redemption in a world that sees it all too rarely