0WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved legislation Monday allocating more than $30 billion for digital enhancement of natural disasters. "It's bad enough losing loved ones to a volcano," Sen. Mike Dewine (R-OH) said, "without also being underwhelmed by bland, unimpressive disaster footage." Under the new law, all future tornados, mudslides, earthquakes, and other natural disasters must be rendered in the highest-resolution, most state-of-the art manner possible. The legislation comes just in time to satisfy critics of the recent floods in Texas, panned by many as "fake-looking" and "a B-grade disaster, at best." Congress is also debating whether to fund an $180 million remastering of 1979's Hurricane David in time for a 20th-anniversary re-release.
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