As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people:

  • Nobody likes to be left out, so before you entertain outdoors, make sure to contact all your neighbors and tell them a big flood’s coming and the neighborhood is being evacuated
  • Hail a passing taco truck
  • Salads are a quick and easy dish if you don't give a shit about your guests
  • Put out a tub of wine and a shitload of straws
  • Take time to imagine having sex with everyone at your party: When guests arrive, have sex with them for real, and afterward, enjoy a silent dinner
  • Because of their religious beliefs, some guests may not eat certain foods; be sure to call them beforehand and remind them God does not exist
  • Most pies are apple
  • Only let the first five guests who show up eat
  • Make the food taste real good; people like that
  • Why not try crumbling a few bowel-suppressant caplets into the meal so that those monsters don't clog up your toiletthis time?
  • Choose one color of food and stick with it