0LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation's leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans suffering from urinary tract infections in 2009. "If our projections are correct and current trends in rough, dry sex continue, we'll see a spike in sales starting in mid-January," Ocean Spray CEO Randy Papdellis said during a press conference. "We don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but several factors also indicate that bathroom hygiene amongst women is due for a significant downturn. This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for." Pharmaceutical manufacturers, who carefully observe Ocean Spray's projections, are also optimistic that the vast increase in cranberry juice consumption will boost the sales of over-the-counter antidiarrheals.
More News in Brief
New Obesity Drug Delicious
CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed ...
Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today
WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up ...
Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles
WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that ...
